August – A month’s reflection

August wasn’t a month I wanted to face. So much fear gripped my inner being – fear of what lied ahead. The triggers I encountered every day, counting down those last days with Anna before taking her to college. My close friends and family understood my fears – although irrational as they may have seemed – they were real. See those last ten days before we were to take Lauren to college are etched in my mind forever, every little detail – and here I was, doing it again with Anna. The fear of her getting in a car that last week almost overwhelmed me. With some very good friends, Sam, Anna’s reassurance, and therapy, I let it go – giving this over to God and only praying that we would finally get a child to college. And we did! The joy and relief this brought to Sam and I was unexplainable. Most parents were saddened to leave their last child at college, I can totally understand, but our emotions were different – we got to finally experience this after being unable to with Lauren and Kathleen. Anna was so excited and ready and we were too but in a totally different form.

Then came August 15th. The four-year mark of losing Lauren and Kathleen. How in the world could it be four years? My mind cannot comprehend this, but my body can. It has taken its toll on me for sure. But the overwhelming support of friends and family filled my heart and soul. Lauren and Kathleen were friends to many, family to many, and 100s of you reached out to us to let us know that they have not been forgotten and I pray they never will. I cannot thank you enough for the love that you have continued to give our family. The new pictures that were posted of them are now saved. Their friends who continue to visit and text and call are more meaningful than I could ever explain. I love you all.

August 19th Anna became a Kappa at KU and I was once again filled with joy! To be able to experience all of this sorority stuff, understanding what it is all about, to send care packages, to worry about her going out; all of this is new and exciting and I am so happy for Anna and what lies ahead for her. I had never been happier for a child!

August 31st the month came to an end. I had spent nine days in Destin with my two best friends from high school. We didn’t do much – just enjoyed each other’s company and catching up. I was able to FaceTime with Anna almost every day which was fun and exciting and also worrisome! The college life was real to me then and I started missing her and looking so forward to getting to see her on Parent’s Weekend.

Then Hurricane Harvey hit Texas. The devastation broke my heart, especially when learning about the family that lost four children. I have cried and cried for them and will never cease praying for all of them. I thought about posting all of the fun pictures I had taken in Destin with my girlfriends and just couldn’t do it, not with all of the pain and suffering being experienced by people all over our country.

I ended this month by starting a leadership class at The Crossing that I was asked to be a part of. Yes, I laughed too, me a leader – why would they think I was adequate or capable to be a part of this. I am still trying to understand, but last night I was reminded that we are all given what we have been given and God wants to use us to glorify Him through our trials and tribulations. Those I have had… I think the timing of this was perfect – I am ready to learn and ready to help.

August wasn’t a month I wanted to face but has ended in an amazing way. I just want to thank each and every one of my friends for listening to my crazy self and not running away, to my sister for knowing what I feel, and to my dear Anna for allowing me to feel so much pride and joy. Keep up the good work and keep me proud. But mostly, thank you to Sam – who over the last four years – has received the brunt of my up and down emotions – never knowing how to comfort me because I never knew what I needed. He has continued to love me somehow and I am so lucky that he didn’t give up. Our love has never been stronger than it is right now and lastly, thank you, God.